The funniest commission requests ever

[Leslie Ficcaglia]

An artist friend once got a call from someone who wanted a portrait and she referred him to me. My husband happened to take the call and the guy explained that he was interested in commissioning a nude of two adolescents. Then he asked whether my husband would like to observe the sessions. We contacted the sheriff's office. Apparently this fellow had called several other artists with a similar request, in a couple of different counties. I don't know whether he was getting his jollies from the conversation alone or what was going on, but in the off chance that there were actually some real children potentially being exploited this way we felt we should notify the authorities. I wasn't really impressed by the sophistication, intelligence, and persistence of our local detectives, though. I don't know what ever happened in the end.

I would have refused the commissions you rejected too, Karin. Yecch!

I also don't paint animals, except as adjuncts to people, and have lost a bunch of commissions for that reason.

What is it with people and their nude portrait requests? In my first attempted incarnation as a portrait painter, at 20, fresh out of school, I put a classified ad in the Chicago Tribune. All 6 calls were nude requests, one was a couple, and all of them turned out not to really be committed to the idea, but they sure wanted to TALK about it.

I loved figure drawing, and I think one of the reasons we do it is to learn to either love the body, or learn that you DON'T love the body. There were lots of people who were sensitive to the face and downright brutal to the body, and just as many who were just the opposite, could render a breast with utter tenderness but never noticed the general proportions of a skull.

It just seems so right that models come in various shades of weirdness, so we can learn to love it all. My very favorites were the ladies of VOLUME, and the one with the furry breasts. That was the first time I ever saw thorough tattooing, stretch marks, and the effects of aging. Loved it!

[Patricia Joyce]

I had to resurrect this thread to share my weirdest request to date. I was at a dinner party where I only knew the hosts. We were sitting at the table eating an elegant dinner when the subject of my being a portrait artist came up. A woman across the table got all excited and said she has wanted a particular portrait done of her daughter for a long time. "She's naked, lying on a white fur rug, definately with her adorable bum in plain view." Knoiwing she was way too old to have a baby, I envisioned a photograph of a baby she had in mind for reference until she inroduced me to her daughter sitting next to her, fifty years old. "Of course I would like her to lose a few pounds before she poses for you". This mother daughter duo shook me up!

[Michele Rushworth]

Ack!

[Karin Wells]

Mercury must be in retrograde or something odd must be in the air.

I had a "naked" request 'bout a month ago (as opposed to "nude") from a man who wanted to "remember" his ex girlfriend that way. Since she naturally refused to cooperate, he said he wanted me to "make it up."

I declined. Ick.

[Tom Edgerton]

Woman once called me and offered me thirty thousand dollars to paint her nude....I thought about it for a minute and asked her, "Can I keep my socks on so I'll have a place to wipe my brushes?"

Bada BOOM!

[Karin Wells]

Hahaha, snort, guffaw, chuckle. I needed a good laff today. Thanks!

[Carol Norton]

What funny, wonderful stories! Getting belly laughs like those make the serious business of portraiture worth every struggle!

Now, it's my turn. This one was one of those "Can you top this?" extreme stories that I swapped with an artist who also includes animal portraiture in her portfolio. My story had to do with painting a dead dog and the dealings with a difficult client. Thinking my saga HAD to win our "contest," she countered with her story. Her tale was about being commissioned to paint the portrait of a client's favorite horse who was..."on it's last legs." She got a call late at night to hurry to the stable and photograph the horse before it went to horse-heaven. She dutifully drove to the client's ranch, and here's the fun part: The horse was black. The stall was dark and the horse was dead!

"Well, did you do the portrait?" I asked, thinking it an impossible task.

"Sure," she said, "and the owner loved it."

As she was not given to exaggeration, I accepted the story knowing that she had won our contest. I did wonder where she got her photo reference. Hmmmmm, Black Beauty, maybe?

[Karin Wells]

OK, stop...you win the prize. If I laugh any harder I won't be able to paint today. Your dead horse story is the funniest yet ever!

I lead a dull life....

[Julie Deane]

There's no way I can top these!

I did get a request from a wife to draw her husband's deceased dad in pastels. "Big Daddy" - a portly gentleman - had on a choir robe and she wanted him in the sky with angel wings - with her husband looking up to him from below.

Yes, I did it. She is a fellow teacher and it meant a lot to her. But I did at least convince her to allow some clouds to suggest angel wings.