One time Artist

[Michael Fournier]

First I guess I should introduce myself to those new to the forum and those that have forgotten my many post I made here in the past. I worked for several years as a Illustrator and graphic artist and part time portrait painter then 2 years doing only portraits. I had enough work to make a small income and to support myself but it was not easy but I did enjoy it and was quite active on this forum as well as more then a little opinionated from time to time. I also was completely consumed by art and my pursuit to become a great painter.

Now the reason I have not been active on the site lately mostly because I unfortunately I have not been active as a artist lately ether. I suppose I should update my profile to one time FT professional artist since I can't even call myself a part time painter at this point.

I am currently working as a contractor doing remodeling and custom woodworking but it was not financial reasons I stopped painting in-fact it was because I stopped painting that I had to find other income.

Thing is I was frozen as an artist I could no longer complete a commission I could not even complete a single painting without destroying it before It was complete I just hated my art and would go into days of depression over a failed painting or what I perceived in my mind as a failed painting that would lead to bigger depression over a failed career. I have now been diagnosed with clinical depression but at the time I was not able to seek help.
So I stopped painting Thing is once I stopped actively promoting my art or able to make it my profession all interest in it whined and I suppose it is my nature but I had no interest in being a hobbyist painter for me it was an all or nothing pursuit.
It has been a hard switch for me since I defined myself and my life by what I did for a living which was my art and since I stopped painting I have had a inner conflict of self identity.

I am now in therapy as is my daughter who unfortunately inherited my condition and it was her recent suicide attempt that lead me to seek help for my own depression. this therapy has lead me to understand It was not my art that lead to my problems it was only that it brought out symptoms of a underlying mental health problem. Thing is even as a child when other kids would be happy to draw for the enjoyment of it I was prone to spells and fits over drawings that I felt were bad or wrong.

So why do I post this here? I feel I need to fully clarify that I was totally consumed with my art and what it meant to my very existence even to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. Now I am ready to start painting again but I am doing so with caution I am very obsessive in my pursuits.

So here I am not sure of my identity I am no longer a full time artist but yet although I earn my income as a carpenter and woodworker I do not find my identity in that field as I did as a artist.

I also have reread some of my past posts and with a fresh out look I must say I am no longer the same person that posted some of them, a few I think I must have posted during a bad spell of depression.

So I would like to re-introduce myself to the members here and hope to participate in the forum again but in moderation and hope to be able to share some new works soon.