One time Artist

[Michael Fournier]

First I guess I should introduce myself to those new to the forum and those that have forgotten my many post I made here in the past. I worked for several years as a Illustrator and graphic artist and part time portrait painter then 2 years doing only portraits. I had enough work to make a small income and to support myself but it was not easy but I did enjoy it and was quite active on this forum as well as more then a little opinionated from time to time. I also was completely consumed by art and my pursuit to become a great painter.

Now the reason I have not been active on the site lately mostly because I unfortunately I have not been active as a artist lately ether. I suppose I should update my profile to one time FT professional artist since I can't even call myself a part time painter at this point.

I am currently working as a contractor doing remodeling and custom woodworking but it was not financial reasons I stopped painting in-fact it was because I stopped painting that I had to find other income.

Thing is I was frozen as an artist I could no longer complete a commission I could not even complete a single painting without destroying it before It was complete I just hated my art and would go into days of depression over a failed painting or what I perceived in my mind as a failed painting that would lead to bigger depression over a failed career. I have now been diagnosed with clinical depression but at the time I was not able to seek help.
So I stopped painting Thing is once I stopped actively promoting my art or able to make it my profession all interest in it whined and I suppose it is my nature but I had no interest in being a hobbyist painter for me it was an all or nothing pursuit.
It has been a hard switch for me since I defined myself and my life by what I did for a living which was my art and since I stopped painting I have had a inner conflict of self identity.

I am now in therapy as is my daughter who unfortunately inherited my condition and it was her recent suicide attempt that lead me to seek help for my own depression. this therapy has lead me to understand It was not my art that lead to my problems it was only that it brought out symptoms of a underlying mental health problem. Thing is even as a child when other kids would be happy to draw for the enjoyment of it I was prone to spells and fits over drawings that I felt were bad or wrong.

So why do I post this here? I feel I need to fully clarify that I was totally consumed with my art and what it meant to my very existence even to the detriment of all other aspects of my life. Now I am ready to start painting again but I am doing so with caution I am very obsessive in my pursuits.

So here I am not sure of my identity I am no longer a full time artist but yet although I earn my income as a carpenter and woodworker I do not find my identity in that field as I did as a artist.

I also have reread some of my past posts and with a fresh out look I must say I am no longer the same person that posted some of them, a few I think I must have posted during a bad spell of depression.

So I would like to re-introduce myself to the members here and hope to participate in the forum again but in moderation and hope to be able to share some new works soon.

[Ilaria Rosselli Del Turco]

Michael, this a very honest and moving account and I am glad for you that you are better now.
This forum is one where people often talk about themselves, their difficulties, and even their football team.

I think that almost of all of us have such a close relationship with painting as you have described, and personally I wouldn't know what to do with myself if I had to quit.

Here, as you know, there is a supportive artistic family which will be happy to see your work and to hear your opinion about every one else's struggles.
Welcome back
Ilaria

[Mischa Milosevic]

welcome back. We have missed you and your many wonderful and informative comments ands posts. I am glad that you are able to deal with this and I appreciate you sharing with us.

I have my moments when I need to get out of the studio and be around people. I make it a habit to have my 8 x 5 sketch pad with me. What I usually do is go to cafes or in the park and do thumbnail portraits of people. At other times, I would just draw what ever I see a tree, a person sitting on a bench mostly things from nature. I have found that this practice sharpens my eye and relaxes me. At times I would spend two to three hrs just drawing different people. Most of the drawings I do not get to finish but some I do my best to bring to a completion even without the sitter present.

I will post some sketches to give you an idea what I'm talking about and maybe encourage you to do the same. Sometimes I get so absorbed in the simplest of drawings and do not care if I finish it. Its all about relax, practice and having fun. I am not cropping any of them in order to give you an idea of scale in relation to the A5 pad.

Yes, I second Ilaria, we are here for you and please you stay with us. If at any time you need to talk, about anything especially about art you may mail me or call at any time day or night.

[Enzie Shahmiri]

Michael,

I am sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult time and I wanted you to know that I am happy to hear that you are feeling better and are back here posting again.

Adversity has a strange way of making us stronger and of defining our path in life.

[Thomasin Dewhurst]

Yesterday I just slammed my paintbrush through my canvas in complete rage against how utterly badly it was going and how, no matter hard I try, I cannot get anything to work except a figure facing forwards. I am currently working towards a solo show next year with the idea that I will have a series of breakthrough paintings, but at the moment it seems that that will never happen. And this despair happens about once a week.

[David Draime]

Dear Michael,

Welcome back! First of all, your contributions to this Forum, have, are now, and will continue to be, most appreciated by the rest of us - fellow travellers on this difficult, frustrating, rewarding, blissful adventure called painting.

As someone who has also suffered from depression I can relate, and I know how debilitating it can be. I think it's great that you are seeking help with it, and it is fantastic that, as you have indicated, you now can separate the depression from the act of painting. The one has nothing to do with the other, though certainly, anything that you are passionate about, that you care deeply about, will be colored by the depression.

In my own case, therapy helped somewhat to get me through the toughest times. But I count myself extremely fortunate in that when (about seven years ago) I allowed myself to draw and paint representationally again (I was an avowed Abstract Expressionist - though a confused one) everything changed. I was able then to move beyond the therapy, because, for me, I had found the ultimate therapy. Here was something I knew I could be very good at, and I poured myself into it. It felt like a "calling" - though I don't pretend to know how that works. And about the same time, I found this Forum and met wonderful fellow artists such as yourself. I haven't looked back.

Every painting I do still goes through some pretty god-awful stages, but I try to remind myself that every failure is an opportunity I should treasure. It's money in the bank. I now see it like - it's all good. It's all a learning experience, and every failure, every success is to be embraced. Even the Great Ones would occassionally paint a real dog. It's always an inextricable part of the process.

I gotta say, it takes a lot of guts to open up the way you have. Bravo!

David

[Marvin Mattelson]

Hi Michael,

I'm sorry to hear of your troubles. It's great that you're handling things and that you are ready to return to painting. Hopefully you'll be able to tap into painting's cathartic potential.

I wish you all the best,

Marvin

[Patricia Joyce]

Michael,
Welcome back. Your direct honesty and courage is appreciated here. No doubt you have already helped someone who struggle with the same issues.

May there be paint under your fingernails...
Patty