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I think it's already interesting as a painting. It has a vibrant quality that I've seen in some styles of illustration that isn't typical of most commissioned portraits. I think that effect is caused here by the saturated colors, the abstract background and the extra-brightness of the eyes.
I looked at your website and I think your terrific alla prima paintings capture a more "realistic" effect than what I see in this painting. Whether this painting succeeds in your mind and the minds of the clients depends on what level of "realism" versus "artistic interpretation" you were aiming for.
I would make one suggestion about the composition: the position of the arm of the lower figure adds a little too much complexity and confuses things a bit. I'm not sure what that arm is resting on and I had to think a bit before I figured out which arms/hands belong to which figure.
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