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My thinking cap hasn't come back from the dry cleaners, so I believe I'll just list some areas to look at, without going much into suggestions on procedure. These aren't equally weighted, some are minor, some not.
-- Your greatest value contrast and hardest edge is at the meeting of the table top and the bright light source on the lower left, and so, that has become your focus of interest. Reduce the contrast and soften the edge to encourage the viewer's eye to go directly to the girl's face.
-- A similar effect appears where the bright sleeve meets the triangular shadow on the front of the sweater. This may not be "as" problematic, since it's very close to where you want the viewer's eye to go. Still, I think I'd experiment with lightening up that shadow, and perhaps breaking up the "triangle" by letting some light come into it down around her waist. After all, it's a low, bright source light and she's leaning forward with her elbow on the table, so some light must be getting in there.
-- There is perhaps a bit of confusion in the lighting. The low location of the highest intensity of light suggests an "uplighting", and yet, for example, on the mouth, the top lip is dark and the bottom is light. Likely, the recommended reduction in intensity of that light on the lower left will neutralize such inconsistencies. You might balance that with a commensurate increase in the value of the background to our right. Finally, a great deal of light is making its way around the sleeve on our right, but no similar thing is happening on the face. I don't suggest any substantial increase in value but I do think a slight warming and lightening of the upper cheek would help explain the light and, in turn, the form.
-- I can see how the drape of the sleeve and the lighting could produce the very strong values contrast between her left "hand" and her left cheek, but it's nonetheless slightly difficult to "see" why two shapes so close to each other, relatively similar in "local" colour and value, and each lying within the same shadow influence, should be so markedly different in value. I would suggest that you experiment with possibly getting some reflected light from the sleeve up into the lower part of the cheek.
-- The lit and shaded sides of the face are rather equal, lying either side of a somewhat straight line. There are many ups and downs and ins and outs (Old Master terminology) in the face between the hairline and the bottom of the chin, and every change in facial planes is going to have an influence on that "dividing line" between light and shadow. Try to look for those. One example is at the top of the nose, where the brow turns under from the forehead and creates a wedge-shaped planar surface that goes down to meet the nose. That angle in facial planes just has to result in some deflection of that shadow line. If for example the light source is relatively low, then that wedge shape will be lit farther to our right than the planes above and below it. Another similar area is the space between the bottom lip and the "bulb" of the chin. Anywhere there's a change in direction of facial planes, look for an opportunity to describe the form by very carefully looking at what happens to the light and shadow in those areas. On the forehead, though there's a planar change from side to side, it's extremely gradual, and so I wouldn't expect to see either a "hard" or a centered shadow line (specifically, I'd expect to see the light make it's way a little farther to our right.)
I think you've generally captured a very revealing mood and gesture, and as I suggested earlier, I think you've also shown the subject's youthful beauty in a kind of coming-of-age pensiveness.
I'm about to get a parking ticket so I guess I'll move along now.
Cheers,
Steven
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