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Hi Kris,
The drawing is shown a bit distorted in the photograph because of how the light falls on the paper, I think. There seems to be an adequate range of tonal values, although I haven't seen a source photograph to compare. In the darks the drawing seems to be overworked, and it may lose definition there for that reason (but because of the distorted view of the drawing, it's hard to judge).
Those heavy thick lines in the background of the other drawing you posted and those in this one, in the background and the darker areas, are too distracting. I see you even put those thick lines from the background into the dark area of her face. That way you lose sight of what is actually happening or has gone wrong in that area of the drawing. It's like you are sensitively drawing a face or a head and to finish it off you put a lot of those thick lines on the paper.
Trying to keep a drawing 'clean' in that respect and focus on careful modeling of the tonal values of the face would be a better way to study, in my view.
Also, the lines all have the same direction (are you right-handed?) That way the drawing gets a sort of unintended movement or direction in those lines.
Peter
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