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It would seem to me that your options don't lie only on either extreme.
I think I would encourage her to bring as many different blouses/dresses as possible (with the exception of the poka dots and such) and have her pose with each.
It sound like you are painting from life which doesn't allow her to view herself in the pose. If you want her to be involved to the point of making these decisions (which has its own set of risks) I would take some photos and get her input. Doesn't mean you can't paint from life.
I like the idea of using the hands. This young lady below had some of the same issues which you bring up here. She was fifteen years old, a very athletic basketball player, over six feet tall. So you create all the interest around the pretty face and play down the rest.
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Mike McCarty
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